I remember being so proud to 100% the first Lego Star Wars back in the 00's, solving the puzzles and buying all the stuff. It took me forever. And now I come back after at least a decade since playing it, and do it again in just two nights, granted nights, not even playing it during the day hardly. Little kid me sucked. There was only one level where I had trouble finding the secrets, even then it took me an hour.
My heart is doing a weird thing again, where it starts feeling hot, beats weakly, and feels like it's wavering. Along with feeling like it's dripping or melting. It happens when seeing particular art that evokes memories or feelings in me, seeing artifacts of my past, or seeing an ex. Or being reminded of them. A number of things causes it, and I feel like it's a health concern. I feel sick inside, and depressed.
All I ever did was try to help a broken soul, and was met first with being a shadow, now with hatred. Suppose something about caring and trying for others makes me a bad person. I regret nothing other than my weak heart; I saw what was right and did my best to see to it. I'm sorry I had to go and fuck everything up. This is why I pushed you, because I wasn't stable enough. I knew this was going to happen.
I struggle with a massive body crisis. I'm a guy, one who mostly identifies as gender neutral, fluctuating from one to the other. But overall, would rather be a girl, if they had the choice. A sex change is out of the question, due to the drama it would cause with family, but I struggle to accept my body. I'm unattractive, and that's besides gender. Either way, it doesn't match the way I see myself. I reject it.
It's a strange feeling, watching a character you've come to be fond of die at the conclusion of a story. I'm sad, but also I'm like thank you, that's what I wanted the whole time anyway. Just kill me for real. I've died enough times getting to this point.
I think I'm just going to take a haitus. I'll probably hop online once in a blue moon to check on things, but I question my purpose in staying around. The people I await may never return, I don't do big roleplays, I'm not really active in most forums...there's not much for me. On top of being a third wheel. And so I will retreat to Discord, mostly. In a time of feeling disheartened, I will retreat to obscurity.
It's extra infuriating to screw up on the easy things. Pimping missions in GTA: San Andreas are literally just driving back and forth halfway across the city picking up and dropping hookers off, and occassionally killing someone attacking them; it's monotonous more than difficult, yet I'm on my third attempt now because I keep hitting curbs and low ledges and flipping the car like an asshole.
I forget how rage inducing the menus are in NFS: Underground 2, having been playing the first one like 9,000 times over recently. The constant auto panning to a certain spot every time you click something (while the controls are useless until it takes forever to finish panning, and usually I want to manually look around), and the really slow scrolling in the colors sucks. At least the customization is way better.