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A case of unrequited love

Sapphire Dec 9, 2016

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  1. Sapphire

    Sapphire dddddd

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    *sigh* Many could say that this is all my fault. Certainly I cannot be made to feel worse for it, I know how much I have lost, and I got something of a shock reminder today, which, again, was my fault.

    I have known of the fandom since I was a teenager, and the fandom was more a curiosity back then than anything else. I found a forum I liked and so I joined it. Everything went moderately well, it was my first introduction into the world of the internet and forums so I grew somewhat addicted (something that has persisted to this day but that is another topic), but things changed when I met someone there; Anthony.

    If anyone could be said to be my perfect match then it was him. He had all the qualities I ever hoped for in a partner, and I completely fell for him the more I got to know him. I was a teenager at the time, this would have been my first experience feeling this way for a guy, and I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know how to talk to him, how to grow close to him, but I tried at least. I made conversations with him and tried building something of a friendship, asking about himself and his life and everything, and telling him about myself in turn.

    In hindsight, I must have come off as a complete basket case; I wasn't particularly very good at talking to guys I liked, and I felt I was trying too hard, in a way. But I adored this guy, he was smart and funny and truly good natured, and he had a sense of ambition but also a desire to help others who needed it. He was a Christian, though that didn't bother me that much, and he was in university at the time and studying medicine to work up to being a doctor; I cannot remember specifically what he was studying but it was something to do with studying and testing medical drugs. He was also American, and that made matters complicated, but, in the end, I would have moved to America for him; for anyone that knows me, I would never leave Britain if it could be helped, but he would have been the one and only exception. That is how much I fell for him.

    I cannot truly described what I felt for him because it felt so... alien, in a word. It was a level of affection and excitement that I had never known, and have not known since. No one else has made be feel as excited as he did, and I had something of a shock reminder of my feelings for him today. I decided, due to my sleeplessness, to look him up again and what I found made my heart sink to the floor.

    Now, back in the days when I used to talk to Anthony, I tried to build something of a rapport with him, but it didn't go well, really. Rather than just state openly and honestly how I felt about him, I ended up haunting the forum we frequented for two years before I finally said something. Back when I first met him, he was bisexual, or that is what he said. He told me he felt he could happily be with a man or a woman, so I knew I was at least in for a chance. But it was too late. If I had just told him how I felt about him during the first year that I knew him then perhaps things would have worked differently. But I didn't do that. When I told him after two years of knowing him, I poured out my heart to him, and, by the time I was finished, he rejected me outright. He tried to be as nice about it as possible, which made things all the worse since he showed yet again that good nature that I fell for, and he told me he felt more like my brother than a potential partner. Two years of building rapport backfired tragically; he just couldn't feel that way about me at this point.

    As you might imagine, I was completedly devastated, and I left that forum shortly after because I could not face being around him given how I felt for him. Leaving was the best thing, but it tore my heart out because it belonged to him, and I was leaving him behind. Many would say this is being meladramatic, but I really was in love with him; or if it was not truly love then it would have certainly developed into that. Even now, after all this time, if he looked me up and asked me out upon finding me then I would take it without a moments hesitation. But I was the one that looked him up instead.

    After a few years from when I confessed to him, I looked him up again and found he was still on the forum, but he was an admin for another. I wanted to see him again, I wanted to know if things had changed after all this time, but nothing did. Though, Anthony being much the same was not what stopped me from trying again, what stopped me was finding out he was with someone; perhaps humorously, this was almost the first thing he said to me beyond greeting each other again. Seeing him brought back all those old feelings I had for him, I still felt strongly for him, and I still do today. His partner was a guy, he never elaborated on who it was but he did say he was happy, and I was gladdened for that. Though, of course, there was a dark and twisted side to me that was hideously jealous and envious of this guy claiming the man I wanted more than anything. Needless to say, I left again, and I have not been back since; meaning, I looked up Anthony again a couple of hours ago.

    If there is a God then this God continues to warn me off of this guy; even if I originally thought that this God was showing me to Anthony for us to get together; the things we jump to when we consider to have witnessed a miracle. I truly thought that Anthony was the one, that we were meant to be, but that is just not how these things work out. The first thing I found upon seeing him today was a commissioned work that showed him with his partner, all very cosy and happy in snuggles as you might expect, and my heart sank as I stared at it. Today, I learned who that lucky bastard is that claimed Anthony, and knowing this made me feel all the worse. I still feel for Anthony, I still love him in a way, and his memory continues to poison my love life. Because I felt so strongly for him, anything else I feel for others that is less than that passion and excitement that I felt for Anthony is questioned as to whether it is strong enough to build a good relationship; doubting I could ever fall for these people at all.

    There would have been nothing I would not have done for Anthony, I would have left my country and my family and my life behind just to be with him, and that is the single greatest sacrifice that I could make for anyone and still live. I would have loved and adored him for the rest of my days, never taking him for granted and working hard to keep him happy, and there is no one else in the world I have met since that I would have done all this for at all. Because I have not felt this way for anyone else since Anthony, I have no confidence in such relationships at all, and I ultimately turn them down after a time. *sigh*

    And when I saw that picture of the two of them, all I could think about was the times where we would have been together throughout the years; weddings, birthdays, Christmases, perhaps even Thankgiving. All those lost moments, so many of them, that never happened yet I am convinced, had I acted sooner, we would have had them all together. Nothing would have made me happier than seeing him right in front of me, and even today I probably would have hugged him possessively and hesitated to let him go. Thinking all this, especially this time of year, is not healthy but yet I am thankful for it.

    Even though it is painful, even though I shriek in anguish when I think of him, I did, for a brief moment, know what real passion and affection for someone truly is; it has stopped me from making some bad choices, and helped me to get over other failed relationships because, at least, they were not Anthony. They were not the one I considered, and somewhat still consider, to have been my One True Love. How much of a loss could they be if I did not feel for them as I did for Anthony.

    *sigh* Anyway, that is all I have to say on this matter. I justed wanted to vent, to get it off my chest and try to make myself feel better after needlessly torturing myself with Anthony's memory, and perhaps I might get some sleep now. Still, Anthony... I loved him, still love him, so much, but, at least, I am glad he is happy. As much as I would have liked to have been the one to make him happy, I am glad he found someone else who can make him happy, and I hope nothing but the very best for him. I just hope, mercifully, that I find someone who can make me happy too.
     
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  2. Tuddy

    Tuddy The Admin that likes Games

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    I hate to be cynical and awful (wait, that's a lie); but I feel this needs to be said - no matter how strongly you feel for a person, it is unhealthy to fixate on their life, to be unable to fully move on. I am speaking, of course, from personal experience. Having felt the same way about another person for quite a while; and having recently looked them up to find out -- they're happy, with somebody else, and I'm the pathetic ex e-stalking their exes in an attempt to feel better about their own life at 2AM. Because, let's be honest here, that's -exactly- what my behaviour, and probably your own behaviour, is motivated by - some small niggling part of us is convinced our respective people -need- us to be happy... so it devastates us when the opposite turns out to be true.

    But, I understand, it's hard to get over people, especially when you're undergoing an extended dry spell, and especially-especially (is that even a valid term? probably not) when you felt so strongly about somebody who wasn't going to reciprocate. I feel like, while it is the oldest and most cliche term in the book, it really is important to let somebody like that go if you truly love them. They may never come back, sure, and it's probably for the best they don't come back after time and distance has built a barrier between the two of you... but this opens you up to the opportunity to feel the way you do about them anew... and to make things right, this time. To experience all of those happy memories, and not just imagine them; to give another, equally deserving person the opportunity to go all-out for you and to do the same in return...

    Yet, I admit, these things take time, and the wounds never truly heal or go away. Hell, it's unhealthy to attempt to repress these things, or to force them too much, but as humans, we need to learn to embrace our pain, to learn from it, and burn it as fuel for our journey. Granted, it's a slow process, and one fraught with error, but it's a worthwhile one.

    Jesus Christ it's 4AM what the fuck am I doing this isn't even making sense, but I feel the need to say it all anyway. Perhaps I'll wake up and regret this post, but I'm not about to delete it or edit it or something.
     
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  3. ViciousCircle

    ViciousCircle Member

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    Well It would be naive to expect things will work out perfectly fine the first time you try. I know it's easier said than done, but you just need to get over it and try again.
     
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  4. Sapphire

    Sapphire dddddd

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    @Tuddy - I am a little confused as to whether you describe yourself or me. ;) *chuckles*

    And I do want to meet someone else. I do want to find someone I can be happy with, and who will be happy with me. Looking Anthony up again was a stupid, stupid thing to do, and I regret it now. But I have so little confidence when it comes to relationships. Should I start relationship with someone who would always be second rate to someone else in my past? That is what I have to ask myself every time I find someone new, thinking it almost cruel to humour their interest knowing I don't feel, perhaps never will feel, what I should be feeling for them, but yet being with someone is what I really want the most. I don't know what is wrong with me, things always just seem to go wrong, one way or another, with anyone I become interested in, and it has reached a point... *sigh* I don't know. After Anthony, I have tried being with 16 other people to present, so it is not through lack of trying.

    I have let him go, for the most part. I... I know it will never happen with him now, that moment has passed and it cannot be recovered, and I am happy he has found someone; even as a child, when I used to think of my One True Love and wonder if I would ever meet them, even if we didn't find each other then I always wanted them to find happiness without me. I would never want them to go through what I would without them.

    @ViciousCircle - I assume you mean to try again with someone other than Anthony. ^_^; And I have tried but it has never worked out. Perhaps I am just not ready, even at my age, but time is finite and I cannot wait around forever.
     
  5. ViciousCircle

    ViciousCircle Member

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    I have this feeling you're idealizing Anthony. Come on he can't be that perfect! Sure he was a nice guy, but there are many nice and interesting guys just like him
     
  6. Sapphire

    Sapphire dddddd

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    @ViciousCircle - Oh, you have no idea how good he really is, at least for me. For a long time, even I couldn't believe it, but it was for real. I really did think this was fate at the time, that this was who I was meant to be with, and that this was the act of God or some other higher power; he was everything, everything, I ever dreamed for in a partner right there in one neat package. I spent my time talking to him finding out everything he would tell me, and I even did my own due diligence to confirm it all. Not everyone would think the same as I did, he wasn't perfect in an objective sense and other people would have felt differently toward him, but I fell for him and almost everyone on the forum at least liked him to some degree.

    In fact, my polite and nice approach to people was inspired from his own personality; I somewhat emulate him when I talk to people. I was never very social when growing up, I didn't know how to really talk to people to get along with them, and he just had a way of making people like him; I didn't even like him at first, I thought he was too perfect and holier-than-thou, and it seemed like everyone just kissed his arse. He was the 'Everyone's Friend' of the forum, as they generously entitled him. But I got to know him, and I saw what everyone else saw. He would have been a cult leader if he had a malicious mind. So, in order to get along with people myself, I try to do and say what he did, though he was far better at it than I am. I hit and miss. ^_^; Even the expressions I use are inspired from his endearing personality. Of course, it was years ago when I started to learn from him, and now it's just second nature.

    But perhaps I did idolize him. Reading back, it does seem like that from what I have written, and I do understand if that is what people think, but I did come to know much of his intimate life and nothing seemed to dissuade me, even stuff I didn't like. Those things just seemed inconsequential because he held qualities I truly admired and wanted in a partner; intelligent, good natured, funny, adventurous, ambitious, principled, rational, respectable background, compassionate, and others.
     
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2016
  7. ViciousCircle

    ViciousCircle Member

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    Seems like you're still in love with Anthony. Then why not to tell him how important he's to you and you just can't forget him no matter how hard you try. If he's such a nice guy as you say, he will help you.
     
  8. Sapphire

    Sapphire dddddd

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    @ViciousCircle - *chuckles* No, simply seeing a picture of his avatar with his boyfriend's knocked me to the floor, and actually talking to him again would be absolute agony. Besides, he has a boyfriend, who might be more than just a boyfriend by now, and I don't want to intrude on his life; he is happy, and he would be happier not remembering me. I think, in a way, I would always love him; I think most people never truly get over the one they fell for first. ^_^;
     
  9. Rakiya

    Rakiya New Member

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    I know I'm going to sound like an insensitive jerk for saying this, but you really do need to move on.
    As stated above, it's a lot easier to say than do. But you really don't have any other alternative, and your current mentality isn't healthy.

    From what I can discern from your post, it's pretty clear that you've grown to idolize him as your ideal.
    And since you're unlikely to reassess Anthony as an individual, you'll likely to forever be haunted by the hallucination of someone who is greater than life.

    Frankly, I'm not the least bit surprised to hear that you haven't had any luck finding someone else.
    I mean, it's extremely unfair to your partner to be comparing them to a guy that you never really knew.
    That probably sounds wrong to you, but as great as the internet is... it's not a substitute for reality, and there's countless cases where people who click really well online, are absolutely terrible together in real life. Hell, I've had a few friends who were amazing friends, but were lousy (work) colleagues, and would have been terrible to live with.

    Essentially, you need to come to the realization that Anthony probably isn't as great as you make him out to be.
    In fact, your idolization of him could have been one of the reason you were turned down in the first place, as it fits with the whole 'little brother' perception you mentioned initially. I'm not contesting that he was a great guy, for starters I don't even know who Anthony is.
    But people are good and bad in different ways, and I've come across plenty of situations where I thought something was perfect, and then something or someone points out that things could be so much better.
     
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  10. Sapphire

    Sapphire dddddd

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    Hardly insensitive. I would have told you the same thing if we were in reverse positions. Don't worry about it. :smile:

    That is because he is my ideal. ^_^; Don't get me wrong, I knew Anthony was not perfect, and I knew he had his faults, but he was still a very good match; better than I ever expected. Like I said, I couldn't believe my luck myself, and I would have wanted very much to date him and see whether he would have been all I thought he was. But he did tell me once that he did something horrible to a former friend of his, he never elaborated as to what it was but, from what I could find out, I think he outed one of his friend's as gay in front of his merciless Christian friends before he found out about his own bisexuality himself, and he told me he wasn't always the nice guy that he is today; he was one of those angry Christians that hated gay people and atheists. But he did change, and I think he overcompensates with his good nature as penance for the harm he caused in earlier life.

    Well, I didn't compare my romantic partners to Anthony maliciously; it was more for their sake than it was for mine. I felt it to be a cruelty that I couldn't feel for them what I felt for Anthony, and so I believed it to be best to end the relationship because I didn't have confidence that what I felt for them was what they deserved; they deserved better. But it has been pointed out to me that most people really don't care to love or be loved so strongly, and that they would have been happy with what I did afford to them emotionally to begin with; that most people, in fact, have much lower standards than I expected. If this is true then it would certainly change things. Of course, not all my past relationships ended because of me; about half of them failed because my partners showed themselves to be an complete arseholes. But that is just what happens in dating, I guess. ^_^;

    Yeah, I know what you mean, and you are right; nothing can substitute reality. Living together would have been interesting, though. When it comes to long distance relationships, I always figured that the highest earner would host the other and live in their country; makes no sense for the highest earner between us to pack up and move to the other's country. I wonder who it would have been...

    Yes, I imagine that would have been true, and I did apologise to him if I ever did make him uncomfortable. I was a teenager and this was my first time trying to court a guy. Still, all of it was valuable experience, and I did learn more than just about dating. Though, it is rather interesting that you would say this, and it is interesting also that you happen to be two years older than me. ;) I'm kidding, of course; you are Australian, and Anthony would never come to a place like this. He looks down his nose at people like us.

    Anyway, thanks for your post. I appreciate you trying to help. :smile:
     
  11. Rakiya

    Rakiya New Member

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    It's actually a bit funny that you'd mentioned our positions being reversed, since that could easily have been the case. Three years ago I probably scoffed as the mere mentioning of an online relationship blooming into something more than casual banter over the internet. The possibility that a long-distance relationship could work for anyone, much less myself seemed preposterous at best.... Yet three years later, here I am in my boyfriend's apartment in Iceland, scrambling around and trying to work out the easiest way for us to start living together.

    On the topic of migration, I'm the more qualified in terms of work...
    But since Australia's being a little shit politically with the whole marriage equality thing, we're actually looking at alternative countries. (Don't get me wrong, Iceland's a beautiful country... just expensive goods, high taxes, and a language I'd need to learn rapidly if I'm to support anyone, much less myself). So yeah, the world is an interesting place, and a lot of the time it seems to be more a matter of chance than effort when it comes relationships. There's probably a lot of things that factored into why things didn't work out between you and Anthony.
    I know for a fact that a lot of people wouldn't be able to handle not seeing one another for months if not years (excluding skype), and the technical difficulties of migrating itself is a pain. (I should know at the moment XD).

    In regards to my previous comment about comparing people to Anthony, I didn't really think you were being malicious intentionally, but admittedly we all tend to get lured down the “What if...” track every once in awhile. The closest thing I can probably think of in my case is a girl I had a crush on from first to fifth grade, an amazingly pretty girl that was soft-spoken yet warm and friendly. In fact, when I moved to the other side of the country in fifth grade I contemplated running away from home just so I wouldn't have to move xD
    I'd always imagined myself with someone similar eventually... but as I mentioned above, since three years ago, I've fallen for a guy not a girl, temperamentally-moody would be a more suitable word to describe him than soft spoken, and he's only local in the sense that we live on the same planet. XD

    I suppose what I'm trying to say is that ideals can quite easily be shattered when/if you meet the right person. I mean, my imagery of an ideal partner was someone who didn't smoke (can't stand cigarette's), someone without tattoo's, and someone without piercings... since I personally find them all a bit distasteful.... my current partner has all three, albeit they've quit smoking since we've been together.

    One thing I'd suggest you keep in mind though, is that love some times develops. You might not feel strongly towards someone at first, but gradually start liking them more over time (think Anthony was like that for you too?). That said, relationships usually start at their peak for me, so personally for me, if there isn't an instant click.... I'm dismissive myself.

    One thing I'd point out though is that; love sometimes develops over times.
    You might not feel too strongly about somewhat at first, but gradually start liking them more as things progress (Anthony was like that to an extent wasn't he?). I'd push this point a bit stronger, but admittedly it doesn't really apply to me as relationships usually start at the peak for me, and mellow like an old couple over time.

    Oh, and while the 'looking down on people like us' made me frown a bit, it's always nice to hear stories of a religious person, changing their opinion towards sexuality. xD
     
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  12. Sapphire

    Sapphire dddddd

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    You could always move to the UK. If you don't mind a populace that keeps themselves to themselves, and aren't the warmest and most welcoming, then you would do fine here. ;) And gay marriage is legal here! But it will be up to you, of course. :smile:

    And, yeah, I imagine the practicalities of being with someone who lives on the other side of the world would have put a dampener on things. Certainly I have been put-off of people because they lived in other countries, so I can understand it. But I would have made an exception for Anthony if he did for me. ^_^;

    Awww, that is so damn sweet, Rakiya. :smile: Trouble is, of course, even if I did find someone that was very different from Anthony, someone like your boyfriend for example, I don't know if I would entertain the idea of being with them, even if this person liked me a great deal and I liked them. I didn't just like Anthony for who he was, but I also liked him for the life we would have had together. He is smart, ambitious, charming, and good natured. He would have got along brilliantly with my family (especially my mother who is Christian herself) and would have accepted my family as a part of my life, he would have earned a respectable salary and worked hard with me to give us a good home, he would have been a terrific father and would have provided much for their future, he would have helped me with my own career in law by using his endearing charm, and he would have treated me and our children well; all things that are important to me. And I would have done everything in my power to make him as happy as possible for the rest of our lives together.

    In truth, when I think of him, I mourn that lost chance at life as much as I mourn that lost chance of being with him, and I have to let go of both. Anthony represents my dreams as much as my dreams represents Anthony; they have been bound together because they so closely match. In all honesty, I haven't been on the same path as Anthony for a long time now, and, in reality, we just do not fit together like we once did. I have grown and changed over the years, but Anthony is practically the same person he was 6 years ago. Even so, it's still... a real damn shame that nothing came of it. He was something special, at least to me, and even just dating him for a time would have been a great experience; even if it didn't last. I did get to know him, though, and we were friends for a time. Maybe that could be enough for me.

    Yes, I didn't like Anthony at first, and I developed feelings for him as I got to know him over time. But, like I mentioned, it's not like I haven't tried to move on before; I have tried to move on 16 times after him, tried to forget about him in these 6 years, but, every time I think about where I want to be in 30 years, Anthony always comes to mind. And I hate being haunted by him like this. I wish I never met him if I could not be with him, but yet I feel lucky to have met someone like him at all. *sigh*

    Anyway, that is enough of my ramblings for one post. I hope you find somewhere you can be happy together, Rakiya, and hope everything works out for you and your boyfriend. Let us know how you get on, and where you find yourselves in due course. And I would be personally elated if you did find yourself in the UK. :smile:
     
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