Things You'd Never Hear (NSFW allowed)

[Mambi]

Things you never hear on Sesame Street:

"Let's count the druggies sleeping under the bridge together kids! One...two...three..."
"Ooooo, cookie monster need cookie!! Drop pants now, me sucky for cookie..."
"Welcome to the community Thanksgiving special kids! Why no I have not seen Big Bird, but good news: our turkey this year is HUGE!"
"Wheee!! Elmo loves laughing!!! Elmo loves breathing nitrious oxide!! Yayyyyy!!!!! Elmo happy!!! Elmo wants moreee!!!!"
"Sorry, Oscar won't be joining us today. The garbage truck was automated this morning and dumped his complaining ass straight into the compressor."

 

[RhosSalix]

Things you'll never hear from a conspiracy theorist social media account

"My sources, listed here, here, and here in the description/pinned comment..."
"As you can see, this entire belief was predicated on racist ideals and a fundamental misunderstanding of mythology."
"I don't know what's in these but I'm paid per pill you buy so grab like four, throw out the product and use the containers for candles I guess"
"No, I don't intend to pipeline you into young Earth creationism."

 

[Faust]

Things you'd never hear from the party Barbarian

• "You know what, let's sneak past the dragon and hope it doesn't notice us."
• "I think you may have confused Jungian syzygy with Kant's Transcendental Aesthetic."
• "Behold my awesome war-mount, Nibbles the Giant Fluffy Bunny! HE SHALL SWALLOW YOUR CARROTS!!!"
• "Hold on, let me just put a bookmark in."
• "Goodness me is that the time? I'm late for my court-mandated anger management lessons!"
• "Please?"

 

[Mambi]

Things you never hear on My Little Pony:

-"Dear Princess Celestia, today my friends and I worked together to hide a body..."
-"Oh my goodness, I just realized! We're all NAKED! WHOOOO!!!"
-"Twilight, I know you're all about friendship and love...but can't you just kill him this once? One zap between the eyes...kingdom saved! Whadya say?"
-"Are you going to the pony fight club too? I'm betting fifty bits on Bulk Biceps against Big Mac's twenty to one odds."
-"My herbs are inhaled and my third eye awaked. This zebra is dizzy...and totally baked..."

 

[RhosSalix]

Things You'd Never Hear:

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[Morgana Willowsett]

Things you'd never hear from the party thief:

-He/She's too poor to rob
-He/She's too powerful to rob
-He/She's too dangerous to rob
-The judge's sentence was just and fair
-I don't want to annoy the DM too much by robbing everybody

 

[Mambi]

Thinks you never hear from your psychic:

-"Hello, I called you because you were going to call me in an hour anyway. Your keys are under the bed, I'll wait...found them? Good! You're welcome."
-"I predict...oh my, those cards? OOooo...you should pay me in full right now and call your loved ones before you leave, this is naaaaasty!"
-"Third eye, fourth eye...I'm all eyes man! Fuck that was good acid!! Let's go see the future together, maaan!"
-"Oh I can't see shit in this thing, but I just love rubbing crystal balls! Isn't it pretty? G'wan, touch it!"
-"Mrs Williams? From 24th street?? Well, no cards needed; your husband IS having an affair...he's with my daughter upstairs right now, that lying asshole!!"