Novel I'm working on.
- Thread starter OtheratheOtter
- Start date
Careful of over-using your favourite words. You've got the word 'Quickly' twice in one sentence there.
The context can carry the action. You don't need to tell us WHY Othera is turning around quickly if you emphasise HOW she does it. Try using terms that carry the weight of the situation like 'reflexively', 'nervously' etc. Maybe use 'spun' instead of 'turned'; more dramatic. You could also use a transferred epithet to heighten the drama, i.e. calling her Katana 'eager' or 'vengeful'. I think I'd be tempted to lead up to the event a bit more too; it's a bit of a let-down when the situation is resolved so quickly.
Let us inside your characters' heads. You don't have to just describe what people do and say, you can talk about what they're thinking, how they're feeling, what events have led to this situation. At this point you might want to think about whether you're writing in third-person-omniscient or third-person-limited perspective (i.e. the Harry Potter books are mostly written in third-person-limited, because we only get to see what Harry's thinking and doing.)
More 'Show', less 'Tell'. Why would your main character spout out a bunch of exposition to a person she's never met before? Why would she immediately trust them, for that matter - you may want to leave some room for the characters to develop to like each other. The conversation feels a tad forced as a result; we're just not getting any sense of personality from it. Remember, the characters don't need to tell the reader everything; this isn't a TV show. You can cover it outside of conversation.
Hook, Line and Sinker. You want to grab the reader's attention immediately they start reading, give them something compelling to wonder about, draw them into your narrative and finish with a big reveal. As it stands, you're throwing away your best hooks in the very first page of text. Leave the reader something to wonder about. It's not enough to wonder if they get this flower or not. Make us wonder what she's after, why she wants it, what's so special about it and so on. Draw the information out a bit at a time to keep the reader interested. Never resolve a mystery unless you've already got another one waiting in the wings - at least not until close to the very end of the book!
We need to form a nigh-instantaneous bond with your main character, so help her to demonstrate her personality - and don't neglect her flaws! Perfect heroes are boring!
Oh, and I'm really not certain about that Latin. 'Verdantis Sanctus' means 'the Green's Saint' - kinda sounds like a title for Swamp Thing. Is that really what you meant, or did you want something more like 'the Holy Forest' (Sanctus Saltus) or 'Holy Green' (Sancta Viridis)? Not that accurate Latin actually matters in a fantasy novel that much - see again 'Harry Potter' - but I'm a stickler!
Hope this helps!
The context can carry the action. You don't need to tell us WHY Othera is turning around quickly if you emphasise HOW she does it. Try using terms that carry the weight of the situation like 'reflexively', 'nervously' etc. Maybe use 'spun' instead of 'turned'; more dramatic. You could also use a transferred epithet to heighten the drama, i.e. calling her Katana 'eager' or 'vengeful'. I think I'd be tempted to lead up to the event a bit more too; it's a bit of a let-down when the situation is resolved so quickly.
Let us inside your characters' heads. You don't have to just describe what people do and say, you can talk about what they're thinking, how they're feeling, what events have led to this situation. At this point you might want to think about whether you're writing in third-person-omniscient or third-person-limited perspective (i.e. the Harry Potter books are mostly written in third-person-limited, because we only get to see what Harry's thinking and doing.)
More 'Show', less 'Tell'. Why would your main character spout out a bunch of exposition to a person she's never met before? Why would she immediately trust them, for that matter - you may want to leave some room for the characters to develop to like each other. The conversation feels a tad forced as a result; we're just not getting any sense of personality from it. Remember, the characters don't need to tell the reader everything; this isn't a TV show. You can cover it outside of conversation.
Hook, Line and Sinker. You want to grab the reader's attention immediately they start reading, give them something compelling to wonder about, draw them into your narrative and finish with a big reveal. As it stands, you're throwing away your best hooks in the very first page of text. Leave the reader something to wonder about. It's not enough to wonder if they get this flower or not. Make us wonder what she's after, why she wants it, what's so special about it and so on. Draw the information out a bit at a time to keep the reader interested. Never resolve a mystery unless you've already got another one waiting in the wings - at least not until close to the very end of the book!
We need to form a nigh-instantaneous bond with your main character, so help her to demonstrate her personality - and don't neglect her flaws! Perfect heroes are boring!
Oh, and I'm really not certain about that Latin. 'Verdantis Sanctus' means 'the Green's Saint' - kinda sounds like a title for Swamp Thing. Is that really what you meant, or did you want something more like 'the Holy Forest' (Sanctus Saltus) or 'Holy Green' (Sancta Viridis)? Not that accurate Latin actually matters in a fantasy novel that much - see again 'Harry Potter' - but I'm a stickler!
Hope this helps!