Jokes Thread (Bad puns encouraged!)

[MooseHorns237]

Post your favorite jokes, elaborate to meme like, bad puns or knock knock jokes.

I'll start, I'm sure we've all heard something like this one, but it goes like this:

Three ropes walk into a bar, and the barkeep asks the first one "Are you a rope?" and he says "Yes," and -

GET ON WITH IT FUR FOX SAKE!

 

[Marius Merganser]

I was going to post some time travel jokes, but you didn't think they were funny.

 

[zephyr]

 

[Marius Merganser]

 

[OtheratheOtter]

Proto Roomba Meme

 

[TequilaFox]

One of my fave

puts on my suit and tie
So a horse walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at the horse and ask
"Why the long face?"

 

[OtheratheOtter]

This is my favorite Harry Potter themed one.

Two Hungarian Horntails walk into a bar.
One Says "Sure is hot in here."
The other replies "Shut your mouth."

Hungarian Horntails are dragons, btw.

 

[MooseHorns237]

All respects go to Bunny lvr for this one, but it was so good I had to put it here

Did you know I once entered 10 puns in a contest to see which would win, but no pun in ten did?

It was from the 'answer a question with a question' thread.

 

[Katara the Sergal]

So a blind man walks into a bar...

Well help poor man, quit laughing!

 

[Jack Foxtrot]

Something my dad used to tell me, no idea where it originated.

One sunny day in the middle of the night,
two dead men got up to fight.
Back-to-back they faced each other,
pulled out their swords and shot one another.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and started to play with his tinker toys.
If you think this story is tall,
ask the blind man; he saw it all.

 

[MooseHorns237]

Something my dad used to tell me, no idea where it originated.

One sunny day in the middle of the night,
two dead men got up to fight.
Back-to-back they faced each other,
pulled out their swords and shot one another.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and started to play with his tinker toys.
If you think this story is tall,
ask the blind man; he saw it all.

This is flat out eastern based contradictory poetry with humor. Best thing ever.

 

[TequilaFox]

" Waiter.....There is a fly in my soup "
" Sh..... Or ells other customers would also like free protein "

 

[Faust]

Ok, so, there's this guy who owns a bakery, happily serving people from behind the counter.
One day, in walks a rabbit. "Got any lettuce?"
"No sir, this is a baker's. You want the greengrocers across the street." Out walks the rabbit.

Next day, in walks the rabbit. "Got any lettuce?"
"Uh, no sir, still a baker's. You want the greengrocers. It's over there." Out walks the rabbit.

Next day, in walks the rabbit. "Got any lettuce?"
"Sir, this is a bakery. We don't have vegetables of any kind. Go across the road." Out walks the rabbit.

Next day, in walks the rabbit. "Got any lettuce?"
"No! We don't serve lettuce! We don't have carrots, cabbages, kumquats or kale! We are a bakery! We sell cakes, we sell croissants, we sell buns, baps and bagels! We do NOT SERVE LETTUCE! GO AWAY!" Out walks the rabbit.

Next day, in walks the rabbit. "Got any lettuce?"
"NOOO! NO LETTUCE! NO MORE! SHOVE OFF! OUT! GET OUT!" Out walks the rabbit.

Next day, in walks the rabbit. "Got any lettuce?"
"Nnnnng.... right. Look here, you little shit. If you come in here ONCE more asking ME for LET-TUCE, I am going to NAIL your LONG, FLOPPY EARS to the COUNTER! Go away!" Out walks the rabbit.

Next day, in walks the rabbit. "Got any nails?"
"NO!!!"
"Good. Got any lettuce?"

 

[Wuff-Wuff]

Oh a classic build up and a beautiful payoff. Those sly rabbits!

 

[Faust]

Science Joke!

A sperm loses its way, so it decides to stop and ask directions from a friendly-looking bacterium.
"'Scuse me buddy," it says, "which way to the egg?"
"Egg?" the bacterium responds, "I'm a Lactobacillus!"

 

[Faust]

Saw this one today and had to share it!

There's four patients lying in hospital beds, groaning piteously, when in walks a doctor. He walks up to the first patient, inspects his clipboard, and declares in a broad Scottish accent:

"GUID-MORNIN’ to our Majesty!
May Heaven augment your blisses
On ev’ry new birth-day ye see,
A humble poet wishes."

Then he watches the patient for a few seconds and, satisfied, moves onto the next:

"Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!"

Again he observes for a few seconds, makes some notes on his clipboard, and moves onto the third:

"Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Great Chieftain o’ the Puddin-race!"

By now the fourth patient is totally bemused, so he calls out, "What're you doing, doctor?"

The doctor looks up from his clipboard and says:
"this is the Burns ward."

 

[OtheratheOtter]

I got 2.
1) Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef!
2) If 2 furries sue each other, is it a fursuit?

 

[Marius Merganser]

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[Mambi]

A patient is talking to their doctor as he hangs his head low. "I'm sorry sir, I'm afraid your condition is terminal."

The patient gasps and begs, "Doctor, can you do anything more at all?"

Shrugging, the doctor opens a small door and from a small cage inside the room a Labrador retriever and a Siamese cat emerge. They each sniff the patient in various places and then after a moment turn to the doctor shaking their heads and return to the cage. The doctor looks at the patient and replies, "Sorry, the results are back...no change in diagnosis I'm afraid, sorry."

Confused, the patient responds, "Results? Results from what??"


...Lab test and a cat scan, of course.

 

[Faust]

A woman takes her young son to a fashion show. He watches in fascination as each model struts down the catwalk in elegant attire to the sound of throbbing music.

Suddenly a model appears at the end of the runway. She's wearing a long skirt sewn out of bay leaves and decorated with cumin seeds. Her blouse is oregano and coriander petals, lightly dusted with swirling patterns of turmeric, and on her head is a parsley-and-marjoram fascinator, held in place with a beautiful hatpin made from rosemary needles and set with a large star of anise.

The woman hurriedly covers her son's eyes.

"Don't look, Timmy," she says, "She's got no cloves on!"