Jokes Thread (Bad puns encouraged!)

Ladies and Gents, I present: the oldest known joke in the world! (1900 BCE, Sumerian)

"Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap."
 
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How does Mad Max eat his mail order cacao products?

With his Postal Choccy Lips!
 
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Other 'Queen' songs for Furries:

Crazy Little Thing Called Doves
Death on Four Legs
Dog with a Bone
Don't Stop Me, Cow
Cat Bottomed Girls
Cod Save the Queen
Great King Rat
Killer Bee
It's a kind of Badger
Radio Gharial
These are the Degus of Our Lives
The Quokka Fool I've Been
Deer Hart Attack
Too Much Love will Krill You
We Are the Chamois
We Will Rock Python You

aaaand...
Bohemian Rat City
 
A woman kept three beautiful birds as pets - a red, a yellow and a green budgerigar. However one day they escaped, flew out of the window and perched at the top of a tall tree.

The lady was distraught and begged her neighbours to help, but none of them felt they could climb the tall tree to retrieve the birds. None, that is, but the local village idiot, who hitched up his smock and began to clamber lithely from branch to branch, all the way to the top. Once there, he grabbed the yellow budgie in one hand and the red budgie in the other and, wrapping both legs around the trunk, slid all the way back down to the ground.

The lady thanked the idiot profusely, and timidly asked, since he climbed so well, if he wouldn’t mind bringing down the green one too. The village idiot shook his head firmly.

“It’s not ripe yet.”
 
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Faust said:
A woman kept three beautiful birds as pets - a red, a yellow and a green budgerigar. However one day they escaped, flew out of the window and perched at the top of a tall tree.

The lady was distraught and begged her neighbours to help, but none of them felt they could climb the tall tree to retrieve the birds. None, that is, but the local village idiot, who hitched up his smock and began to clamber lithely from branch to branch, all the way to the top. Once there, he grabbed the yellow budgie in one hand and the red budgie in the other and, wrapping both legs around the trunk, slid all the way back down to the ground.

The lady thanked the idiot profusely, and timidly asked, since he climbed so well, if he wouldn’t mind bringing down the green one too. The village idiot shook his head firmly.

“It’s not ripe yet.”
Click to expand...
Not ripe yet...that guy is going places. Not far...but places.
 
(This one is from Finland so Swedish people are the butt of the joke. I don't know what nationalities English-speakers joke about so you can substitute something else for the Finn and Swede if you want to.)


A Finnish man, a Swedish man and a woman are sitting together in a train. The lights are out of order so the only light is coming through the window. Then the train goes into a tunnel and for a few moments it becomes pitch black. In the darkness there's three noises: the sound of smacking lips, then a slap and a yelp. When the train comes out of the tunnel, the Swede is wincing and holding his cheek.

All three people look at each other. No one says anything, but the Swede thinks to himself: "I guess the Finn used the opportunity to kiss the lady in the dark, she tried to slap him but hit me by accident."

The woman thinks: "I guess the Swede tried to kiss me in the dark but kissed the Finn by accident and got punched."

The Finn is thinking: "That went well! When the next tunnel comes I'll again smack my lips and hit the Swede."
 
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Yastreb said:
(This one is from Finland so Swedish people are the butt of the joke. I don't know what nationalities English-speakers joke about so you can substitute something else for the Finn and Swede if you want to.)
Click to expand...
For reference, in the UK it would traditionally be an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, with the Irishman being the butt of the joke - sometimes a Welshman and/or a Chinese man get involved too. A lot of them are considered in poor taste these days, but many of the best jokes in this style don't make the Irishman look stupid so much as having a different perspective or a better sense of humour than the others.

Oh, here's a nice one.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a church on Christmas Eve. The vicar greets them and says "Welcome my sons! We have a tradition in this church that on Christmas Eve, every partitioner brings something christmasy to put into the nativity along with the gifts from the wise men! Do you have anything?"

The Englishman fishes around in his pocket and finds a lighter. "Here's a candle for the baby Jesus," he says. The vicar thanks him and he goes in.

The Scotsman pulls out a pocketful of loose change, wraps it in a handkerchief and shakes it. "Some jingle bells for the baby Jesus," he says, and the vicar lets him in too.

The Irishman reaches into his pocket and pulls out an enormous pair of women's underpants.

"Well, that's not very christmassy!" complains the vicar.

"Yes they are," says the Irishman, "They're Carol's!"
 
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Ooh, another cracker I just found on a website!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all applying for the same government subcontracting job to build a new bridge.

The Englishman goes first, and says "I'll take 30 million. That's ten for parts, ten for labour, and ten for myself." The government official thanks him and says he'll be in touch, so he leaves.

Next comes the Scotsman. "I'll take 60 million. That's 20 for parts, 20 for labour, and 20 for me." The official thanks him again, says he'll be in touch, and off goes the Scotsman.

Now it's the Irishman's turn. "Let's call it 90 million," he says, "That's thirty for me, thirty for you, and thirty to pay the Englishman to do it!"
 
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