Jokes Thread (Bad puns encouraged!)

Jack Foxtrot said:
Something my dad used to tell me, no idea where it originated.
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Nobody knows, but similar poems have been going around the school yards since at least the mid-1900s. The tradition of self-contradictory poems in general goes back even further, at least to the Middle Ages. The oldest known one is from a circa 1305 poem called 'The Land of Cockaigne', but since it's written in Middle English, which I only understand a little of, I can't locate the exact stanza.

The Land of Cokaygne - Wikisource, the free online library

en.wikisource.org en.wikisource.org

Incidentally, this might be the origin of the word 'Cockney', although some people think it comes from 'Cocken Ey', meaning 'A Cock's Egg', i.e. something that doesn't make sense.
 
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Faust said:
Nobody knows, but similar poems have been going around the school yards since at least the mid-1900s. The tradition of self-contradictory poems in general goes back even further, at least to the Middle Ages. The oldest known one is from a circa 1305 poem called 'The Land of Cockaigne', but since it's written in Middle English, which I only understand a little of, I can't locate the exact stanza.

The Land of Cokaygne - Wikisource, the free online library

en.wikisource.org en.wikisource.org

Incidentally, this might be the origin of the word 'Cockney', although some people think it comes from 'Cocken Ey', meaning 'A Cock's Egg', i.e. something that doesn't make sense.
Click to expand...
Does it make dolllars, then. 🤣
 
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So, Adam's lounging around in the Garden of Eden one day when god comes up to him and says "Yo, Adam, how would you like me to make you a friend? You seem kinda lonely."

"What will they be like?" asks Adam.

"Oh I've got the plans right here," says God enthusiastically, "I'm going to call it a 'Woman'! She'll love you and care for you, she'll clean up after you, she'll never complain or gossip about you to her friends, and she'll have these things I just invented called breasts!"

"Go on," said Adam cautiously

"Oh breasts are great! They're big and soft, you can rest your head on them, you can play with them if you get bored, and if you have kids together, they can suck milk straight out of them so you won't have to feed the little buggers! And she'll have SIX of them!"

"Wait a sec. what are kids?"

"Smaller versions of you that pop out of her nine months after you have sex with her."

"And I want that because..."

"Because sex is really fun! And she'll want to have it all the time, whenever you like, in as many nasty ways as you can think of! Look, remember how you rubbed your ding-dong the other day (even though I told you not to) and that white stuff came out and it felt incredible? Well sex with a woman will be TEN TIMES BETTER!"

"Awesome!" says Adam, "I'm sold! What will it cost me?"

"An arm an a leg!"

"Oof," says Adam, "what can I get for a rib?"
 
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A priest and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic.

"What's your blood type?" a nurse asks them.

"I'm probably a type O," says the rabbit.
 
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To all Vikings suffering from hair loss, remember: you may be going bald, but the handsomest god of them all is Balder.
 
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I met another Viking today. He was walking along rubbing his butt and wincing. I asked what was wrong and he said he’d been feeling sore all day.

At least I think that’s what he said; he had a terrible lisp.
 
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