1300 USD? Man, imagine your oh-so-scary ransom being a whopping $13.00. Decimals, man. Use them!
Every now and then I take a peak in the spam folder to see what crypto advertisements there are to laugh at, but today I found that gem instead lololol
What you should do is invest in shares of SPAM (the meat) stock, some piss ant amount, and then whenever someone asks you for money, offer them "something better" through generously giving them stock in something. And then it's SPAM...